Break It Down...

A little honesty...remember that post surgery funk I mentioned not to long ago? After Charlie Claire's EEG I felt that the funk started to lift a bit but I've come to realize that it hasn't lifted, it's shifted. My focus isn't so much on thinking that every move C makes is a seizure but now it's more on mourning the loss of the baby I had expected...the baby who looked completely healthy during all of the ultrasounds that I had when I was pregnant (with twins you get A LOT), the baby who appeared perfectly healthy the first 3 days of her life...

There is another blog I follow (her daughter has Down Syndrome) and here is a little something she wrote....

Parenting a special needs child is complicated. No one knows what the hell they are doing and somewhere, deep inside many of us, there is still hurt.

Here's the thing. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And at the same time, I know exactly what the hell I'm doing and I believe in it with every breath in my body. Because I am governed first and foremost by love. I applaud and celebrate all the other ways people are doing it out there because I know they are governed by the same. Together, we are all fighting for the same thing. Special needs, typical needs, one kid, two kids, young kids, old kids, no kids. We are all on the same team.

Am I scared? Yup, sometimes. Am I hopeful? Definitely. Am I aware of the reality of what we are facing? Absolutely. But mostly?

I am happy. And I am in love.

Charlie Claire isn't a disappointment in any way, shape or form -- she is perfect in every way. The initial hope and dreams we had for her aren't gone, they are just different.  The initial ideas and things Jason and I talked about when I was pregnant with the twins..having two littles doing the same thing at the same time hasn't exactly gone as planned but in some strange way it's going as it should. CC has already taught us to slow down and appreciate the small things and little victories and I have a feeling she has a lot more teaching to do!

While at times it still feels like I am getting hit by the same bus that hit me on October 14, I am beginning to realize that not only are Jason and I up for this challenge but we are going to rock the heck out it!